On most days I’m fine. I work hard on being healthy, taking care of my feelings. Often, I let myself believe I’m ok. I’m not. I hold on to so much hurt and pain. I can’t seem to let go… Or maybe I have let go, but it is so easy to be reminded of the wreckage of the past.

Tonight I watched Mother Fucker With the Hat- an all too realistic play about addiction, recovery and relationships. The cast at Big Idea Theater did a fantastic job, so raw and real that the last scene left me in tears. The main characters go their separate ways. I could feel Alex’s arms around me when we said our final goodbye.

From what I hear, addiction sucks. From what I know, recovery isn’t that much better. We are all terribly flawed human beings. Twelve steps will help, but they won’t solve everything. And working the steps won’t necessarily absolve sins moving forward. As much as I try to work through things, it’s moments like tonight when I know I still have work to do…that I’m still holding on, that the pain is still there.

So as the tears flow down my face, I know it’s not a reminder. I still carry this pain with me. I don’t know how to let go. Mother Fucker With the Hat.