Of all the words imparted by my counselor, “be gentle with yourself” remains the most impactful and profound. I haven’t seen him in a handful or more years, but his words have stayed with me and served me well.
Frankly, I’ve been struggling lately. A lot. Tears always seem so close to the surface. If I stop for a moment, reflect and let my guard down, tears flow freely down my face. I felt flooded with sadness as I drove to work this morning. There was no specific cause or trigger, but I sobbed the whole way.
My natural tendency is to stay busy, keep moving and skip over the sad parts of my life. So all the little things build up and hit me like a ton of bricks. And because I don’t like feeling this way, I try to shake it off and move forward, burying the pain for a later day.
I’m not posting this to elicit sympathy, solutions or a diagnosis. I’m merely trying to process some of my own feelings. I think it’s important to be transparent. My life has as many bumps in the road as it has smooth sailing and high flying.
It could be hormones. My mom recently told me she was menopausal at my age. Now she had two kids, and I’ve had none. Not sure if that makes a difference or not. I’ve been treated for depression before, but I thought that was situational. Maybe this is as well.
Or it could be that I haven’t fully mourned my failed marriage and divorce, the loss of my pets Thor and Wednesday as well as my Uncle Dave’s death this year. Most likely of all is a combination of some or all of these factors.
My plan is to try and ride this out, hope that it’s a patch of the blues as I come to terms with all the changes in my life. If it continues, I’ll talk to my doctor. Until then, I’ll be writing more- maybe here, maybe not- and doing my best to be gentle with myself.